39 Things before I'm 39 for the second time: August 2019

Friday, August 30, 2019

I didn't quit this blog already... and somehow it's all very poop related

Okay its been X amount of days since I last blogged, but I didn't give up I swear it's just hard to use the blog fodder that is my family during the week when I work and when the boy child is away and mum isn't being ridiculous (mostly daily but since I started this shes been restraining herself)

Things of note:

I am way more excited about my friend not procrastinating and doing as she is told and finally doing the degree I keep telling her she should do than she is
It's the day before fat club and because I have this weird obsession when I enter the bathroom where I must stand on the scales before peeing (number 1's) or pooping (Number 2's) and then re-weighing to see how much pee/poop weights I already know there will be no sticker this week :(

I admit to getting a bit excited when I stood on the scales and they said LO and turned themselves off because I took that to mean I'm so skinny they can't register my weight. Hubby soon put me straight and ruined my mood by telling me that actually that means the batteries are dying and I am not in fact too skinny
We have scales that I let said hubby choose, in case you don't know my hubby for clarity if an object comes in a larger than average size, has blue tooth, plug and play or any other feature that you probably don't need then he will buy it. (Ask me about the disco shower debacle for clarity) These scales they come with a mind of their own and they are insulting. You lose weight they give you a nice positive affirmative GO green colour that makes you feel good, you put on and they go red and shout at you about what a horrible terrible person you are and ask for "one person at a time please". Since they have gone into "not skinny LO" mode they now just pick a random weight in order to demoralise you at every given opportunity
On the subject of fat club and I won't for once go into major detail (but I do know at this point fellow fat club members will know what I'm saying here) I was perhaps foolishly under the impression that the more fibre you take in the more likely you are to poop.... WRONG... the reason I weigh so much thanks to the opinion of the cyber scales (and there is no delicate way of putting this) is because I am full of shit... I will let you ponder on that one

At this point of my blog I realise I have discussed poop way too much.. but I also am of the opinion that everything should have a theme so in further over sharing poop related news, which will not be anywhere as funny as if you had of been there I need to talk about pooping at work.

In my experience there are two schools of thought on the pooping at work. Either you think its great to use work hours to get paid to poop at work and do so freely or you are mortified at the idea of having an actual normal human bodily function and will go to every length to avoid doing so while in the office environment. I belong to the latter
As you may have gathered from above points I have had due to eating too many fibre bars at once had issues in the bowel department this week (again full of shit) but when my body in the middle of a training session said "I don't care that this is the wrong time but we gotta visit the toilet like right now" I knew with my 38 years of experience to listen. Now in the same training session I learned of what I am calling the secret toilet... (Secret toilet being the place in which shy poopers go to poop). And yes I hunted it down and I did a little silent oh my this is the harry potter equivalent of the room of requirement secret I can relax toilet shout of joy. However this is my life and I cannot possibly do anything the normal way. I find secret toilet and walk through the door (I have already been pre-warned that beyond the door I will find darkness) and yup there is the door and there is the darkness... what I was expecting was a toilet, what I got was a choice of 4 doors and yes I did every door before I found the toilet door. I find the toilet while doing the toilet dance (do not pretend you do not know what I mean) but can I find the light switch... no no I cannot. So I do this weird touching the walls there must be a toilet in here move... I found it by skipping the edge of the toilet and just putting my hand straight into the water part, I decide my need to go is far too urgent for such a stupid thing as lighting and I sit down... ( I realise I have hyped this up way too much and no dear reader I did not poop on someones desk or in an embarrassing manner or whatever it is your mind has come up with). However what I do discover while being human is that this secret toilet has very thin walls and it also joins to a pretty busy office that has lights.... lights that seep into a very dark room in which I am being very human in. Long story short I may as well of had a neon sign above my head that said "HEY OVER HERE ME I AM POOPING VERY VERY LOUDLY AND IN THE DARK" and I just know that from now on in, anyone in that office will look at me and I will forever be known as that weird not a social worker social worker woman who poops in the dark - I cannot even begin to cover how I felt about this and that is why I will cancel a meeting and drive home just to poop.

I'm not officially allowed to talk about mum's teeth, but we shall just agree that the dentist laughed as much about her fixing ideas as I did... the only difference being she charged mum for the privilege
Now I already covered and delivered poop so in unrelated news and I find this far more embarrassing I have to confess to being a total failure in the persona that I put out to the world and as a mummy... but my youngest child came home from nursery and the first thing I noticed was that she was wearing a spectacularly ugly pair of frilly leggings that not even I would have purchased. I paused and thought hmm maybe she had an accident and I forgot to pack backups in her bag, I check and there are no accident bags and all of the back up clothes I packed are still present. (not a total failure after all). In my proactive I'm a cool mummy but I love to moan I phone nursery this morning to say "no big deal but my daughter came home in the most tasteless clothes please can I have hers back but I'm chill if I can't" - Nursery apologises profusely, I end the call. 10 minutes later they are on the phone, they apologise again.. and this is where I hang my head in shame, they ask me what shoes my child was wearing when she came home. I didn't actually notice because yuk frilly lace leggings distracted me, but oh no... she came home wearing the same shoes she went to nursery in only 2 sizes too small and considerably less new than the ones I sent her in... I'm the bloody shoe queen how did I notice horrible leggings but not the fact her shoes were not in fact her shoes.... I shall just hang my crown out in the porch and let someone else take the title..
No other news to report..., I shall be back when mother does something totally ridiculous.... also still open to 39 things if anyone has any suggestions (not involving poop though)

Monday, August 26, 2019

Food Seperation, Shopping Bags and Mum's Teeth

In the spirit of full disclosure even though I don't work Mondays, bank holidays for some reason completely throw me, I think its because everyone is home that only happens at the weekend. I have therefore spent the majority of the day assuming it is Sunday.. it is in fact not which has thrown all my plans for tomorrow based on the fact I apparently have to go to work.

On to the highlights:

Mum's teeth the epic saga part 2. You probably require some background, my mother who spent most of my childhood and all of my adulthood lecturing me about taking care of my things, responsibility and other stuff I don't listen to has recently entered her clumsy phase in which she breaks nearly everything she touches. It is not dissimilar to the teenagers in that her new catchphrases include "it wasn't me" "I didn't mean to" and my personal favourite "somehow Tabitha this is your fault" So her most recent breakage is her dentures which apparently "just fell apart" in her mouth. She chooses to do this on a bank holiday weekend when the dentist is most definitely shut. Initially she starts banging on about how she can just superglue them back together, now I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure putting superglue in your mouth is probably not the smartest move. Then she decides thanks to the power of amazon that shes going to get some denture glue and fix them herself. There is much talk of sanding and drilling and sticking and I decide to just stay the hell out of it. The amazon man arrives... and she announces it's okay you get 3 attempts at fixing your dentures and because she is Mum thats all good because she'll only need one go at it. I may have at this point suggested yesterday that she just lets Dann do it... but oh no she can do it. As you may remember there was some talk about playdoh for keeping the dentures together...I stayed out of it until this morning I wake up to find this:

Yup thats right that's mum with a sander. A sander for her dentures. My mum who wants to put some weird playdoh superglue mix into her face is now brandishing a sander. I swear sometimes my husband has no common sense at all. It turns out that her first attempt was a fail, as in she stuck them together but then had to break them apart again because they now in fact don't fit in her mouth. Therefore a sander is required to fix this issue. Now I've met my mum and I'm pretty sure for all her telling us how much common sense she has that this is not going to end well. I suggest that maybe she should just maybe let Dann do it, but oh no she's got this she's really got it this time. I'll cut a long story short (On account of having to go to work tomorrow) but there was a lot of huffing and puffing and putting denture glue in my freezer while chuntering about "the weather is affecting this glue" before it all went silent on the subject of dentures for quite some time. I learned a long time ago not to poke the dragon so I said nothing. Eventually and quite a bit later in the day (dinner time interestingly) while she was attempting to drink salad on account of not having her dentures she says "yes I think I might go to the dentist tomorrow" My foolish response was to ask if she had in fact used up all of her 3 attempts to which she shot me look... so I shut up. Before I go to bed tonight I am locking up the glue, playdoh, drills the works... seriously its worse than having a toddler in the house..... Oh wait!

On account of us not napping we have now decided to nap in two parts, the part where we go to sleep wake up 10 minutes later and will only nap in the form of people beds on daddy in increasing heat - this is how he loses weight I swear!

In other sunny toddler related news, we now have to "drive" to wherever we are going, which includes swimming, to the table, to go shopping or anywhere that you might walk the very short distance (she gets this from her father)

It is also hilarious to pour water over our head while shouting at everybody to "stop doing that it's too cold" - she did however convince Nonna back into the pool
We are also very keen on shopping and bags and filling and carrying as many bags as possible even if they are too heavy, she gets this from her Aunty Tara

I have no clue what time the 18 year old crawled in last night but he spent the majority of the day sleeping and having a hangover. I fed and hydrated him but he gave up and went back to bed.

I have to discuss food touching because I cannot be the only person this applies to. Also if I document it here then I know I won't have to keep explaining it. I truly have issues with food touching, there is a distinct set of rules which say that wet and dry food should not touch. (with some exceptions) Apparently this is weird and other people don't do this.This is an example, wet food with wet, dry with dry.. it's not difficult people and YES that is a plate designed for children but apparently Adults don't need trays to keep their food separate. One exception to this food rule is Dann's pickled onions which holy god contaminate everything and burn off your taste-buds (this makes them an excellent slimming world food because after one of those everything tastes like nothing) Those pickled onions are in fact allowed to touch dry food (namely cheese) because the cheese slightly takes the sting out of the taste-bud death. Am I the only one?
No new 39 things because I thought it was Sunday and I didn't canvas opinion today :)

Sunday, August 25, 2019

HAPPY BIRTH GIVING DAY TO ME

Score - achievements to date two children raised (occasionally dragged but we won't focus too much on that part) to 18 - now to wait another 16 years for the last one!

Today's highlights:

Boy child made it to 18 - also out of the house before 8am (that never happens on non work / school days) and took a shower

From this

to this...

Very clearly on top parenting form today, Cosima only had to ask for grey bears 7 times for me to work out she means quavers, also apparently now books also get tired, so yes I actually helped her to rock them to sleep and tuck them up with blankets. I did try to read the books bed time stories but my smallest informs me that they don't need stories to be "all better now"
Dann put up the very huge paddling pool and so far no-one drowned - although it's so hot I'm seriously considering going and diving head first into it
Ethan went paintballing, I tried to parent him and advise that it hurts like hell and to make sure to wear protective clothing.. but you know he's 18 and I know nothing about anything...

You all know how much I hate to say I told you so...

Literally everyone got in the pool and my kitchen sieve is an excellent remover of ick from said pool

I got in the pool too, but in a fabulous moment of humilty and modesty that I'm known for, here is a picture of me in a swimming costume that is too big, this is important because I don't swim for numerous reasons and I most certainly never wear a swimming costume because I hate how I look in them, however this I love and is evidence that my (our) slimming world journey is totally worth it

Mum took leave of her senses twice today.. (which is the minimum amount a day)

We were discussing the impending holiday and I was explaining that I could book her into the 55+ classes that are call Les Milles, now admittedly (and no I hadn't had a drink) my enunciation might not have been all that clear, which I didn't realise until she asked me why I would sign her up for lesbian meals... sometimes I have no words...
Mum also decided to fix her own teeth, which I do not have the human effort to explain but when she was asking if she could borrow the play-doh to do so I was more than my usual level of confused. I haven't dared look in her mouth as yet (I'll update you when I do)

I got Chuckied far too early in the morning, but I admitedly am missing the Baby Kain cuddles (He is never going to be just Kain he is forever more thanks to his cousin Baby Kain) so I went with it. I'm not sure why the Chucky's have to be naked all the time it doesn't make them any less terrifying

There were birthday brownies which had a squllion syns in but as I kept telling myself I already burnt those calories off 18 years ago giving birth so it was okay... no actual photo's of the brownies because naturally I got rid of the evidence as soon as humanly possible.

Finally in a right of passage my baby boy took himself off into town to celebrate the way 18 year olds do (He also took another shower so I guess he's all good until 19) This naturally involved a tutu, unicorn horns and an 18 badge. My heart almost burst with pride when he announced "you know me mum, I'm all about the attention, it's all about me" which is proof that if I taught him nothing over the last 18 years I least taught him how to use his ego. I halfheartedly gave him a lecture about dehydration, stomach pumping and NOT waking his sister up when he stumbles through the door. Current status is waiting for the how much he loves me texts to start..

Nothing to add to my 39 list as yet

Saturday, August 24, 2019

happy pre birth giving day....

day 2.... of a blog that if it makes it past 39 will be a novelty...

Not sure if I mentioned this yet (and even if I didn't boy child has most definitely mentioned it for oooh at least the last month) but tomorrow I'll have two adult children, to quote the very youngest child (I have no idea where she gets it from... probably her father) "oh shit"

So there is that.. 2 18+ children and 1 2 year old...

Today's achievements and life lessons

lost 3 whole pounds at fat club... forced my husband to commit to making target next week (I'm a bully and its okay with me)
Mum broke her teeth.. in the words of the boy and youngest children "they just fell apart" I mean for god sake I spent my entire childhood being told to take care and look after my things but apparently when you are fast approaching 59 you can break whatever you like and be completely innocent
apparently napping is still optional but if you are forced (only anyone under 18 could view this as force) to take a nap you have to announce when you wake up that "I'm all better now"
when its really warm outside clothes are optional
our newest game is "lets go to the supermarket" which mainly involves losing your shit because you cannot carry all of your bags / they don't fit in your little tykes car and yelling at MAMMY
allowing your smallest child to paint your face with sand is a mistake, I must have lost at least 2lb through fear of losing an eye (also sand does not taste good so therefore it must have zero calories)
If you send your mum away for 3 weeks she has to do some seriously weird compensation shit in which she puts you to shame which includes:

Washing all the blinds in the house
mowing the lawn while grumbling a lot about how I shouldn't be allowed a garden
eating the 1 syn a chunk chocolate and pronouncing it disgusting
doing 3 weeks worth of washing
loading the dishwasher multiple times
sorting out the smallest persons clothes
binge watching eastenders and explaining it to people that already watched it
threatening to fix her teeth with superglue
other displacement activity

Boy child's driving licence arrived which means he can go out drinking like a real adult tomorrow... I have mixed feelings about this..
My husband most definitely flirted with me today and I might have actually enjoyed it
Having to have a very weird conversation with my mother about the "silencer" she found in her rubbish bin, I really really wish we were talking about a gun in this instance but we were in fact discussing the VERY pink, very ribbed for someones pleasure (but not mine no matter what she says), very NOT silent pleasure device that got somehow discarded into her waste bin - I'll admit I had so many questions but I also didn't want to look like the guilty party so I said very little - Mum decided this was a good time to talk about how granddad used to use one to stir paint with (which raises even more questions) and hubby's response was " make sure to save the batteries" I MEAN COME ON.... (or not)

Also equally weird discussion about whether you can put a silencer in the recycling bin or not (Conversations I never want to have again that went on for far too long)

I am adoring David Tennant getting out of burning cars although I realise this is not news
my current sound track is a mix of PINK and the ever wonderful Jonathon Coulton
And finally for my husband... I know a lot of facts about bees...

And the 39 list gets a little bigger

1 Blog at least 39 times

2 Reach my slimming world target and maintain it

3 Maintain a relationship with at least one of my adult children

4 Go 39 days (in a row) without an alcoholic drink

5 Get my teaching certificate

6 Join and complete NaNoWriMo

7 make 39 pinteresting things..

8 39 facetimes with Brilliant - I like to think this was a collaborative decision which means I don't have to face the dentist alone

9 do yoga for 39 days (Lisa Jane)

10 go plastic free for 39 days (Gemma John)

11 take a llama for a walk (Sarah Jayne)

12 actually do a joint facebook account (and publish it) (((Sal Bates))

Friday, August 23, 2019

39 things... because I'm so successful at these things...

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.... yup good old Tabs is having another attempt (possibly more than my 39th attempt) at a blog.... you know the writing of the nonsense that occurs in my head and waffling about it in text hoping anyone might actually NOT correct my grammar and just come along for the ride.

So FACTS that changed since the last time I attempted this,

I had a baby (yes another one but not one I didn't already disclose to most of Facebook) She isn't a baby anymore but shes my baby.... *insert mushy motherly junk here*
I stopped practising front line social work
I'm older... you know on account of nearly being 39 for the first time
I lost weight and I'm sticking to it
I managed to break some habits that we may or may not discuss throughout this blog
My mother moved in permanently so in the absence of anything interesting to say here between her and the toddler I am always going to have something to say

So where do we go from here.... well officially we gots (go away grammar police gots is well cute if completely incorrect) 26 sleeps until my actual very first 39th birthday which gives us 26 days to come up with some shit I should get done before my 2nd 39th birthday so we have to some how come up with 39 things... I did a Facebook post we shall see what I agree to commit to... I've added a few I can immediately come up with for now..